Sex and the Supernatural
by Bellavampiresbetterthanyou
Summary: For a limited time only: Lessons in the Art of Seduction for the Supernatural! Bella and the girls own a sex store. What happens when Bella is hired to give Edward sex lessons? AU-Canon Couples. Mature content, bad language, smut will happen.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or things Twilight/Southern Vampire Mysteries-related

This is my first fan-fic. Review or flame, whatever pleases you!

Grammar is major fail. Any suggestions welcome.

Warning: Mature Audiences only! Language and Smut

Chapter 1

4/10/2009

**Sex and the Supernatural**

For a limited time only:

Lessons in the Art of Seduction for the Supernatural!

Offered by Bella Swan,

Co-owner

of

Sex and the Supernatural

Purveyors of

Fine Sex Toys and Naughty Necessities

Please call (555) XXX-6969 for more information

Werewolf-owned, but we welcome vampires too.

Bella POV

Two weeks prior

This was a completely stupid idea.

As I was rearranging vibrators in the display by color type, I found myself wondering how I got into this fucking situation.

_How will arranging this shit into color categories make a difference? I can imagine our first customer asking if we carry happy sticks in a range of pastel colors. _

Why in the world did I decide to open a sex store with my sisters? Wait, that's right. Three horny werewolf sisters and a large supply of vodka equal insanity.

Completely stupid and _all_ Alice's idea. As soon as she had her most recent vision, she had talked Rose and I into helping her, well, more like bribed and threatened. She insisted that this store was the only way for her to get the circumstances right for her soul mate to appear. Her pouting eventually broke us. Rosalie was excited about having access to all the kinky toys and working some of her own designs into the mix. Alice eventually guilt-tripped me into this hare-brained scheme by promising to leave my wardrobe alone for an entire year along with no forced-hostage shopping trips.

_Heh, well, that and first pick at sex goodies isn't too bad either._

If only Rose and I hadn't been masturbation addicts, we might not have cracked under Alice's manipulation. We are two of the horniest bitches around and would never miss any opportunity for self-gratification. Yes, _that_ kind of gratification. Due to the lack of quality werewolf men in Seattle proper, there was no one more knowledgeable about the need for durable sex toys for supernatural girls than our little sisterly trio. The average vibrator just didn't cut it for a she-wolf or a vamp these days. Hell, even I had lost count of the number of vibrators I went through in the last couple of years.

I was absent-mindedly moving the vibrators into their assigned warm and cool color ranges while thinking about everything that had led to this store. After I finished that task, I started rearranging the eggs around. Finding eggs that strong enough to survive werewolf Kegel exercises…let's just say that it took some serious searching to find a material that wouldn't collapse like playdoh. When the time span on your life is pretty much unlimited, you've got to keep those muscles in shape. _Happy Easter to me. Bet momma and daddy don't want the kiddies to go hunting for these eggs._

"Rosalie! Alice! Get your furry asses in here now! Who decided to move the cock rings to the girl goody section? I thought we discussed this before!" I yelled toward the back stock room.

"Calm down, Bella! I saw how well the placement will work for sales, and believe me, it will be fucking phenomenal," Alice snapped back at me.

_Stupid future-seeing pixie. She always mixes us in with her crystal ball shit and here I am arranging dick sticks to flow with the colors of the rainbow._

As I walked back toward the stock room, I heard Rosalie yell back at us, "Both of you shut up! Jesus Mary Wolf! Why do you both have to be such whores about this? There's no need to get so worked up. In fact, I think that both of you need to spend some quality time sampling the merchandise, because frankly, the room reeks of frustrated werewolf bitch!"

The doorbell at the front of the shop jingled slightly, alerting us that someone had entered the shop. Here goes nothing! Let's see how pervy our first customer is. Maybe it will be a hot Alpha…hopefully it's not some shriveled old guy wanting to watch free porn on the display TV.

I ran out to the front, trying to beat Rosalie and Alice to the counter to greet the customer, but as luck had it, I tripped over my own two feet and nearly face-planted into the counter. I managed to bounce off a display of penis-enlargers that were stacked up floor-to-waist height behind the counter and promptly landed on my ass, only to have all the boxes tumble back toward me

_Why am I so damned clumsy?! If I could only run around on four feet all the time, this might not be a problem. Sadly, that might freak out the locals a bit._

As I struggled to get off my ass, I heard a loud booming laugh interspersed with a series of snorts.

"That was the funniest damned thing I've seen in ages! Do you guys do dinner and a show too?" the voice added between guffaws.

I looked up and saw a giant shape on the other side of the counter. I found myself staring open-mouthed at the largest vampire I had ever seen. _God, I thought only wolves came in super-size! Hmm, not bad looking for a leech_.

His eyes were twinkling and he was having a problem catching his breath due to his laughing fit.

I scrambled off the floor as quickly as possible, considering I had landed buried amongst the penis-enlargers. I could feel the blush climbing up my cheeks and wondered if this moment could be any worse.

Rosalie recovered first. Flashing her sexiest grin, she quickly spouted off our store motto without missing a beat. "Welcome to Sex and the Supernatural, where getting off is our goal! Our toys are made to last and will survive any kinky shit that you can think of. Believe us, if you can imagine it, we've already tried it."

I looked over at the burly vamp and realized that his mouth was hanging open slightly and his eyes were beginning to take on a glazed quality. I let out a groan and rolled my eyes. Thank you for that ad-lib, Rosalie! Now we can add 'slutty' to the store sign. We sure as hell hadn't put that last part on our official slogan. I'm not sure if his dazed expression was a result of her perverted mouth or her looks. After Rose cleared her throat and coughed a bit, the guy seemed to snap back to reality.

He was still staring at Rose when he started to speak, "Good morning, ladies. My name is Emmett. I'm actually here about the seduction lessons. I have a brother who's been clinging to his virginity like a fifteenth century convent nun. He's a real life 110 year old virgin. The 40-year old guy from the movies has nothing on him. We've decided it's time to sex educate him into the 21st century. So, which one of you is Bella?"….


	2. Problem with a Prude

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or things Twilight/Southern Vampire Mysteries-related

This is my first fan-fic. Review or flame, whatever pleases you!

Grammar is major fail. If you see an error, tell me about it! I can't change it once I've posted it, but I can try not to make the same mistake twice. Any suggestions welcome.

Warning: Mature Audiences only! Language and Smut

Si quiere charlar en espanol, hagalo! Oder Sie konnen mir etwas auf Deutsch sagen.

**A/N**

**This is an AU that uses mostly Twilight rules, but vocabulary from SVM. All the vamps are still strong, fast, sparkly, vegetarian, etc.**

**I am B/E all the way, though other characters may run interference at times.**

**The werewolves are shape-shifters that phase like the ones in Twilight. They stay the same age as long as they keep phasing. I will throw in "were" to refer to a werewolf or "Sup" as an abbreviation for a supernatural creature. Vamp venom doesn't poison the wolves in this story. Nor do the vamps go into a blood frenzy when they drink. They can control themselves. Instead of bottled synthetic "TruBlood," I will probably have some form of bottled animal blood. The vamps and wolves are not mortal enemies here, they are just merely prejudiced.**

**Who's Who?**

**Werewolves: Bella, Alice, and Rose are all sisters**

**Vamps: Eddie, Emmett, Jazz, Carlisle are the usual bachelor family.**

**Esme found the little wolf cub trio when hunting. She adopted them, not realizing they were wolves until they started phasing.**

**Carlisle created Eddie and Emmett. Jazz joined of his own volition at some point. **

**Eddie will be a major priss until he gets manned up by his lessons. I'm not sure if there will be other POV's besides Bella right now.**

**Jazz, Eddie, and Alice all have their talents. Edward can't hear Bella in human form, but he will be able to hear her in pack mode.**

**4/11/2009**

**Chapter 2**

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Sex and the Supernatural personally guarantees the durability of this vibrator. If this little wonder isn't getting you off 5 years from now, we'll replace it with no questions asked!

_Last time_

"_Which one of you is Bella?"_

BPOV

_Seduction lessons? What the hell is he talking about? Alright, where are you hiding Ashton? Am I getting punk'd? Show me the video cameras already._

I slowly raised my hand to indicate that I was the idiot who answered to that name. Alice's snickering alerted me that my raised hand was still grasping one of the penis-enlargers. _Whoopsie, more unscheduled blushing for your entertainment.._

I quickly threw it down behind me and turned back to Emmett. "I'm Bella, but I have no fucking clue as to what you're talking about …lessons?"

Emmett reached into his back pocket and pulled out a rolled-up newspaper. I immediately recognized it as the local newspaper for the supernatural community _Fangs and Barks Weekly._ As he flattened it out on the counter, I noticed an advertisement circled in conspicuous red ink.

"Do you need help to amp up your sex life with your supernatural significant other?

Have you been hoping to score with someone of the opposite species?

Well, we can help you! Introducing Bella Swan and her lessons for Seduction of the Supernatural…."

_Oh god, please tell me they didn't…_

As I finished reading the ad, I could feel the red climbing into my cheeks and my anger growing along with the blush.

"What the fuck is this? Alice, Rose? Tell me this is a joke!" I turned to look at them, but both of the bitches were conveniently staring at invisible spots on the ceiling. I could feel the heat working its way down my spine, my inner-bitch wanting nothing more to phase so I could take a nice chunk of flesh from these two. Instead, I settled for immediate gratification. I grabbed the first thing that I could get my hands on and started hitting both of them. "How could you do this? This is so fucking embarrassing! Just wait till I get home!"

Unfortunately, rubber dildos do not make effective weapons when used against supernatural creatures.._.bitches are probably enjoying it_.

Emmett used the moment to intercede. "Look, is this ad real or not? Because this situation with my Bro Eddie is completely desperate. Prissy boy redefines the meaning of prude. I would be worried that he was gay if he wasn't so fixated on his vamp porn star."

"Excuse us for just a minute," I said as I flashed a tight wolfy-grin at him. I grabbed Rose and Alice by the sleeves and forced them to follow me into the stockroom.

"Ow! Damn Bella, watch the bitch claws," Rose barked back with an irritated tone.

"Which one of you came up with this idiotic fucking idea? Tell me! I'll take a damned blow torch to both of your shoe collections!" I hissed, already plotting out my revenge.

Alice gasped, probably seeing just what I had envisioned for that evening.

_Yes, Alice, that large bonfire you see is all of your designer shoes…burning to death. Especially if someone doesn't spill their guts._

Rosalie just rolled her eyes and shrugged to indicate that she was unimpressed with my threat.

Alice began with a slightly apologetic tone, "Bella, don't be mad…please? We thought this would be a good way for you to meet a guy. After all, you're the one who wasted how many years working on that dissertation on the sexual behavior of different supernatural species. This is a perfect opportunity for you to push your boundaries into field research."

_I think I'll add a couple of packs of bottle rockets to the shoe roast, just for entertainment value. Alphabetical order sounds good. Ferragamo, La Boutin, Manolo…_

Alice was still lost in her head, seeing what I had planned for later. _That's right, be very afraid bitch. _I took a few more few deep breaths, trying to get my anger under control before I had a fursplosion* in the damned store. I hadn't phased from a temper tantrum in years, and I wasn't about to start.

"Alice, why did you do this? I know you always have plans in mind," I began to say, but she interrupted me.

"Bella, stop being such a stubborn bitch! This was part of my vision. Everything has to follow this path to work out the right way. It may take a little while, but just trust me this once. Please-Please-Please?" she continued to pout while bringing out the killer puppy dog eyes.

_Damn, I'm such a fucking pushover when she does that. The shoe collection is still going, just not at this moment. Never bet against Alice._

"Oh, Alice! Enough already with the eyes. You know I love getting off with all this shit, but that's in private. I can handle joking about this stuff, but I get embarrassed as fuck when I have to show people how to use this stuff. Not to mention my damned blushing," I argued back.

"Bella, you don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with, though not all enjoyable things are comfortable. Have you seen that new harness set-up we just got in?" Rose added.

I had my eyes closed in frustration at this point. "Alright, We'll do this on a trial basis, but one episode of freaky shit and I'm done. You'd better be right about this, Alice."

Rose jerked her head back toward the counter and whispered, "Back to the front mutts, before that fine piece of vamp disappears. I never thought I'd want a trip to the candy store with a Popsicle dick, but he's certainly making me reconsider."

_Ugh, crude much, Rose? Wouldn't that cause ice burn? Well, he is cute._

Once we all piled back out front, stepping over the heaping mountain of penis-enlargers, Rose switched back to flirtatious mode. "Hey Emmett, my name is Rose. This little dwarf is Alice. The chronic klutz over there with the blush is Bella. Now that we've been introduced, why don't you tell us a bit more about your prude problem."

Emmett winked at Rose and then began talking, "Well, a little background for starters. There are four of us in the family: Our dad Carlisle, my bros Jasper and Edward, and myself. We're all cool with our inner-sex fiend, except for poor Eddie. How can I start the Tale of Woe that is Prissyward? He's sullen, reads too much Shakespeare, and is slightly off in that he thinks of himself as a modern day Don Quixote. He wants to be a model of purity and wait for his great love. However, he chose the wrong Dulcinea to worship and love. It's shit for him that his Dulcinea is no sweet little virgin; she's a hardcore slutty succubus named Tanya. Eddie's most definitely not up to her sexin' standards. That's why he needs lessons. Jazz and I hope that if he can get his mack on with Tanya, he'll get the nasty bitch out of his system. With that slut gone, we should be rid of the sulk."

_Vamp porn star Tanya? Why does that sound familiar? Oh god, we have her DVD's in stock. Lots of DVD's. I could barf up my Woofies at some of the titles. Vamps Gone Wild, Fantastic Vampgina Tricks,_ _The Vampgina Monologues_. _I could actually be doing a public service by nailing this slut into a coffin._

"Anyway, the goal here is to turn Eddie boy into a Dracula James Dean with a side of porn star thrown in. He can get his rocks off with Tanya, and we all live vampily ever after with no more sulky Eddie. Tanya will hit the gutter because she never uses the same goods twice. Our bro used to be hella fun before he got caught up in this Tanya/ Virgin Knight Errant fantasy. This is where Bella comes in."

I let out a low whistle as I thought over the situation. This was going to be fucking impossible. How do you de-virginize someone who is a certifiable fucking nut? This vamp doesn't sound like he'd pass inspection into the walnut bin down at the grocery store. I voiced my doubts to Emmett. "Just what makes you think he'll agree to this, especially with a werewolf?"

"Well, you three are the hottest chicks I've ever seen, even if you are wolves. I'm sure the fact that you're a were will make it seem like his 'vamp-ginity' will remain in tact. Plus Eddie will be completely amenable when we convince him that this will get his happily ever after with Slut-tanya on lock-down."

The front bell rang again, interrupting the tale of Eddie and his idolized slut. A tall and extremely hot blonde vamp walked in.

"Hey Emmett, what's taking so long? I thought we just needed to sign Eddie up and split?" he trailed off and came to a dead stop. He continued to stare forward like he had seen Elvis come back to life. It took me a minute before I realized he was staring at Alice. They both stood frozen, each staring the other down for several seconds until Rose elbowed Alice and brought her out of the vamp trance. She blinked twice and walked from behind the counter to where the new vamp stood.

She offered her hand to him. "You must be Jasper. I was wondering when you would get here."

The blonde was still staring but had a dopey-grin starting to form on his face as he replied, "Sorry ma'am, I didn't mean to keep you waiting. May I have the pleasure of your name, darlin' ?"

"Alice," she replied.

He took her hand and placed a gentlemanly peck on the back of it. "Charmed," he stated as he continued to stare at her.

_Love at first sight? Alice and her fortune-teller shit creeped me out a bit sometimes._

Even after several decades, I still couldn't get used to her abilities. Wanting to get on with this shit, I cleared my throat to bring both sets of love birds out of their mutual eye-fucking.

"Well, now that we have the facts on Don Edward, how do you plan to get him here? It's not easy to hog-tie and drug a vamp," I asked.

"Especially not a mind-reading one," Emmett added under his breath.

"Pardon?" I asked, slightly confused.

"Don't worry about it. We'll have him here and he'll be happy about it." Jasper assured me.

"Well, I guess that settles it. Have him here, two weeks from now. Saturday at 7 P.M. I'll do a private lesson here in the store. I'll need some time to plan out lessons and to get my rain check for loony-bin admission." _Did I really just say that last part out loud? Oops. _

Jasper and Emmett exchanged numbers with Alice and Rose, promising to setup a date in the next few days.

_How in the fuck am I going to do this? Well, I have revenge to plan first._

**_Next time: Revenge is a dish best served deep-fried._**

___________________________________________________________________________

**If anyone has any suggestions for sex toys that they would like to see made fun of, just add it in a review.**

**Edward will make his entrance soon. These first few chapters are to get the plot laid out.**

**Thanks to everyone who took the time to review: Rosalee_Lorraine, lemonhead67, DennyRose, TeamEdwardLover, theorange3.. There were two others that reviewed when I first put the story up, Ra Cullen, and one other. Let me know, I accidentally erased those names when I reposted the story. I'm just happy that anyone is bothering to read this shit. **

**If you want some fantastic slash, go visit Rosalee_Lorraine **

**She's got some seriously hot stuff going on over there if Edward/Jasper is your thing!**

*** I love Cleolinda over at Cleolinda dot livejournal dot com. She is the snark master of Twilight and "fursplodes" is one of her clever remarks. Visit her recaps on Twilight and you will never stop laughing. **

**Also, this story will follow the trail of Don Quijote and maybe Borat in that Edward idolizes Tanya. She always presents a sweet persona to him. She keeps her thoughts around him G-rated. She has no interest in screwing him, but likes to string him along for fun when she visits. When not in his zip code, she is a super slut. It'll take Edward a while to come to this realization.**

**I will probably only update once a week. I have exams coming up, so it's a bit hectic.**


	3. Revenge is best deepfried

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or things Twilight/Southern Vampire Mysteries-related. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Review or flame, whatever pleases you!

Any suggestions welcome.

Warning: Language, Adult Topics, Lemons(in later chapters)

4/16/2009

Chapter 3

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_Last time_

"Well, I guess that settles it. Have him here, two weeks from now. Saturday at 7 P.M. I'll do a private lesson here in the store. I'll need some time to plan out lessons and to get my rain check for loony-bin admission." _Did I really just say that last part out loud? Oops. _

_How in the fuck am I going to do this? Well, I have revenge to plan first._

One week before first lesson

**BPOV**

As I kept my mind running through various shoe-vengeance plots, I leaned down to check the temperature on the frying vats that I had setup in the backyard.

_Bet Alice didn't see this one coming. Poor bitch thinks I'm currently donating her shoe collection to the local homeless shelter. In fact, she's probably thinking of ways to buy them back right now. Ooopsie._

I checked the reading on the thermometer hanging in one of the vats. Satisfied with the reading, I figured it would be ready in two more minutes. I grabbed the bag of heels that I had confiscated from the giant walk-in closet that connected the bedrooms of my two fashion-obsessed sisters and dumped them out on the ground by the fryers. This was going to be my most epic stunt to date. I'd probably regret the look on Ma-Esme's face when she found my body dumped into a ditch and mangled beyond recognition from a were-bitch mauling, but what fun is life without a little danger? Just to be a complete hag, I snatched one shoe from every pair in their closet, leaving an entire shelf of expensive shoes with one mate missing from each pair. The only thing left in the shoe section was a pair of worn-out bunny house-slippers. _Wonder if their vamp-boys will be able to get it up for fuzzy bunnies?_

_Plunk, plunk, plunk! Fry my pretties, Fry! _The heels made a nice sickening splash as each one hit the oil. I felt a vindictive satisfaction in knowing that Alice would probably have a fursplosion as soon as she got back from her date with Jasper. With each pretty shoe that I dropped into the frying vats, I felt a little better. I'd even gone out of my way to make a nice quality beer batter. _If I were a high heel on the execution block, it'd be my first choice for death. _Of course, I'd catch hell for this later, but it would be worth the look on both of their faces when they get a load of this shit. In fact, I may just have to videotape this. After the first half of the heels finished their time in the fryer, I used a spatula to scoop them onto the ground. I even spent time to arrange them so that the batter dried evenly. Two more vats later, I had two laundry baskets of succulent deep-fried heels with a crispy golden exterior. _Mcdonald's has nothing on mah fryin' skillz! Would you like a Coke with your deep-fried heels?_ I hoisted a basket under each arm and started climbing up the stairs to their closet.

_Fee Fi Fo Fum, I smell deep-fried La Boutin! Whoever said, "revenge was a dish best served cold" never had my imagination._

Alice and Rose really made this little scheme too easy for me. Ever since Emmett and Jasper had walked into our store a week ago, Alice and Rose had yet to put in more than a brief appearance at the house to swap the sexed-out clothes for clean ones. If it weren't for the smug look of happily-sexed were-bitch on each one's face, I might have been worried. Even Ma-Esme had gotten panicked until she figured out what was going on. Apparently, she was happy enough with the situation since she now had a smaller chance of walking in on one of her girls experimenting with sex toys. Now that Rose and Alice were getting vamp-sexed outside of the house, she only had to worry about interrupting my porn sessions. I hadn't seen them much outside of work for the whole week and their continued absence left the much-loved shoe collection unprotected.

Speaking of work, I began to think about my upcoming lesson with Nutward this Saturday. Where do you begin with someone like this? After hearing Emmett's descriptions, I began to wonder whether Eddie needed the kind of lessons that came with an extended vacation in a padded white cell with a matching straitjacket. After I had carefully replanted the fried heels into the giant closet and kept one for a collectible, I wandered down the hallway to my room. I plopped down on my worn couch and nibbled on the toe of the heel, trying to think of a good way to start Eddie's sexucation. How much effort would it take to break Edward out of his Tanya-trance? Was there any hope for someone that sexually-stunted? I had to believe there was something normal locked inside the poor vamp. I sincerely believe that there's a horny porn star in everyone, just waiting to be set free. _Heh, Eddie's inner porn god is probably sedated and jailed in concrete._ I think we'll just have to do this in baby steps and sexorcise Ho-Tanya out of him little-by-little. _Can he seriously be that naïve about that whore? One viewing of her much-used multicentenarian twat in the porn DVD was enough for me_

After Jasper's warning about Eddie's mind-reading shit, the girls and I had brainstormed on ways to shield our thoughts to keep him clueless as to our motives. I figured that the best way to keep him out of my head would be to replay the vision of our human night guard Mike Newton and the Bite-Me Betty that I had seen earlier in the week. _That scene will make Eddie want to claw his own his eyes out.._

_Flashback_

_Wednesday Morning_

Yawning profusely, I managed to stumble into the parking lot outside our building around 7:30 am to get some paperwork in order before we opened. I'd had a long night playing around with the new Temp-React vibrators we had gotten in. _Maybe Alice and Rose were on to something with the Popsicle dick. The cold setting was definitely something I'd be using again. _Speaking of my bitchy sisters, they were still a few minutes behind, having barely stumbled into the house from what appeared to be a long night of interspecies sexin'. I had left them wondering around in a daze, muttering something about no recovery time with popsicle sticks.

Opening the door, I heard a strange whimpering coming from the back of the store. _What in the hell is that? It's my luck to get caught in the middle of freaky shit when I'm here alone. _

"Mike…are you there?" I called out in a low voice. I edged toward the source of the noise, grabbing one of the nicer metal vibrators from the shelf to use as a weapon. As I rounded the last row to find the noise, I saw something that caused me to let out blood-curdling scream and drop my makeshift weapon on the floor. I slapped my hands over my eyes trying to physically force the picture out of my mind.

"Jesus Fucking Christ, Mike! What the fuck did you do?" I briefly looked again, seeing the image of vanilla boy Mike Newton draped over a display Bite-Me Betty doll that was chained to the end of the aisle, pants down around his ankles …_Holy fuck, are you shitting me? Now, I'll need to go to therapy! Eddie and I can do couples counseling. _

"You decided to fuck the display doll at the store, Mike? Are you horny enough to be that stupid? God, this is so nasty. Why are you still attached to the fucking thing? Jesus, are those bite-marks on the doll?" Through the cracks in my hands, I could see several small teeth imprints on the doll's neck where it looked like Mike had tried to put vamp-marks. _Eww, vampire fetish much? _He also had a strange rash all over his face.

As I quickly recovered my eyes, shuddering, Mike finally decided to speak, "I think I'm allergic to the material on the doll. My face is broken out and well, I'm kinda…stuck. Man, I really need to take a piss."

_Dear God, please strike me dead this instant. Rose is going to manually detach his dick for him after contaminating the expensive display model. _

"Mike, you're going to have to keep the stick shift in park for a few minutes. Alice and Rose have the display keys to unlock the Betty doll. You'll have to wait for them. Thank God we weren't open for business yet." _Damned Alice probably saw this too. Well, that certifies my revenge plans for sure. _Sure enough, not even two minutes later Rose and Alice walked in. Both had tears streaming down their face and were trying hard not to snicker. "I'll go get an ice pack," Rose said and headed off towards the snack lounge.

Alice slowly approached Newton, doing her best to shield her vision from the sick sight. "Damn Newton, you sure know how to make the experience last. Poor Betty would probably be unconscious after this if she were real. You should probably follow the instructions next time. Use lube or at least check for skin sensitivity before using."

Mike was still whimpering like a little puppy as Alice got the doll unlocked. Once the doll was free, he managed to clutch it against his chest and started to edge slowly toward the stockroom, his pants tripping his movements.

"Lord knows that doll isn't light, and we certainly can't have him freaking out customers. Thank goodness you got here early enough. " Alice added as she watched him limp away dragging his plastic fuck buddy.

Rose threw a vicious glare at Newton as she launched an ice pack toward him. "Here you go, perverted asshole! As soon as you get your limp-stick iced enough to remove it, get the hell out and don't come back. And leave the doll here!" she growled. She was mumbling about the difficulties of finding trustworthy help when she got back to the counter. "Next time, we're going with a were-guard. No way in hell will I bring another dip-shit human on staff. You'd never catch a wolf doing something like that. At least a were would have the sense to not get caught. Is it safe to bleach the doll to sanitize it?"

Alice was still snickering as Mike walked dejectedly out with an ice pack clutched over his groin.

End Flashback

_Thinking about that sex-tastrophe would definitely keep Eddie out of my head. Hell, I didn't even want to be a visitor in my own head after the shit I had seen this week._

How far was I willing to go for Nutward? How many personal boundaries could I stretch in the quest to banish Slut-Tanya? The thought of any guy pining away over the Vamp-Ho tugged at my heartstrings. I was always a sucker for guys like that who didn't know any better. There had definitely been a few pity-fucks in my past. Maybe Eddie could have a better ending. If he was determined to be a dumb ass like Don Quijote, I could take on the role of a Sancho Panza sex-educator for him. _Lay down your weapons and back away from Twat-tanya and the Vampgina of Doom! _First things first, I'll have to meet him and assess the damage.

I was still nibbling on the toe of the fried shoe when a loud shriek broke my train of thought.

"BELLLAAA!" Alice was screaming at the top of her lungs and tearing up the stairs at full speed.

_Ruh-roh…the gig is up Scrappy-Doo! It's time to get the hell outta here. Esme will shit puppies if we fuck up the house again._

I dashed for the hallway in record time, but I was stopped by the impact of a speeding pixie-bullet. As she launched through the air and caught me, both of us smashed into the wall. She kept me pinned there, struggling as she held me in a head-lock.

"Ouch! Damn it, Alice-not my hair! That shit hurts!" I screamed as she grabbed a fistful of my hair at the roots. She started to pound my head against the floor, punctuating each thud with a screeching "NEVER-TOUCH-MY-SHOES-AGAIN!" I started whacking her with the fried heel, but it didn't manage to stop her. After Rose and Jasper managed to pry her away from me, I collapsed back against the wall heaving for breath.

"Jesus, Alice! Calm the fuck down. You knew she would do something like this. All your shoes were last season anyway. You can replace them now without a guilty conscience," Rose said as she tried to keep a growling Alice from struggling out of her grip. _Bad idea, Rose. Never use 'Alice' and 'last season' in the same sentence if you care for your life._ In the next moment, I was up scrambling to help Jasper pull Alice away from Rosalie. Alice managed to get a few good bitch-slaps thrown in, along with a nasty hair-tug before we got her away from Rose.

"Let me go! I'll take both of you bitches down. I mean it! Jasper, let me down now!" Alice continued to trill at the top of her lungs. Fortunately, Jasper seemed to be stronger than her, but suddenly she quit struggling. Her head rolled to the side and she simply went limp in his arms.

"Jesus, did you kill her? What the hell happened? Alice, wake up!" I yelled while trying to pull her away from Jasper

"Bella, plug your bitch hole before he knocks you out too! Jasper has the ability to affect your mood. He can put you to sleep, calm you, excite you, or whatever needs to be done," Rose explained. _So much damned drama, "Now back to As the Werewolf-World Turns"_

"Everyone, downstairs now! It's time to talk strategy about Prudeward." Rose barked as she heaved Alice over her should like a bag of potatoes. After we were settled on the couches in the living room, Rose looked at me expectantly. "So Bella, tell us what you have planned for Eddie."

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**Next time: Eddie finally makes an appearance**

**NOTE: Sorry for taking so long to get this out here, but I keep having to edit my grammar. I'm a comma whore!. Thanks to everyone who has read and taken the time to review : Rosalee Lorraine, lemonhead67, DennyRose, TeamEdwardLover, theorange3, Racullen, NanMcCullen, betah75, Zedonky, Ledybug,Nicholh2008, . I really appreciate your words!**

**Rosalee Lorraine-thanks for cracking the whip over my head and making me get this done. Again, a fab nod to her hot Emmett/Jasper fic that she has been sacrificing limbs to get done. I have to pimp her out because I've been bugging the hell out of her over that story. I'm still wading through all the stories of everyone who has reviewed and will talk about ones that I really like when I get the next chapter up. **

**Doing this stuff is so much fun, but I have exams coming up in one week, so it probably will be another week before I get anything finished here. I always date these chapters because there's nothing I hate worse than a long slump between chapters and wondering how long its been since the last update.**


	4. A Big Bloody Mess

**A/N sorry for the long-ass delay. Many more goodies to talk about at the end**

5/19/2009

Chapter 4

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_Last time: Bella was brain storming with the girls after the fried heels incident._

_**Lesson 1: A big bloody mess**_

"Alice, this isn't the damn prom. I'd better not have fucking Dolly Parton hair when you're done! What the hell is taking so long and why can't I look?" I asked as I felt another vicious tug on my scalp from the curling iron.

"Just another minute, Bella. I just have a few more pieces to finish. I promise you're going to like it. You're lucky I'm not tearing your hair out by the roots after you fucked over my heels, but I'm feeling nice today," Alice chattered in her high voice. She waved the curling iron around dangerously so that it followed the upswing in her overly perky voice.

_Of course you're feeling nice, your brain and your fur-hoochie have been on loan to Vamp Sex, Inc. since you met Jasper. I really need to get laid._

I smiled smugly as I remembered my fried shoe adventure. At least Rose had a sense of humor over the incident, whereas Alice had tried her best to claw the shit out of me. Thankfully Jasper had intervened before anyone phased.

"Finally, I'm finished! Everything is perfect. Your outfit is on the bed. Don't mess the hair up while you're changing or we'll just have to repeat the hair torture," Alice said as she gathered her stuff and left my room.

I turned to examine my hair in the mirror and was surprised by my appearance.

_Well, hello sex hair. It's a pleasure to meet you. Can I have your number?_

Alice had managed to form loose curls that were slightly tousled. It looked I had gone two rounds between the sheets and came out the better looking for it. I walked slowly over to my bed, feeling slightly apprehensive about what kind of outfit she picked out. There on the bed was a rather conservative knee-length pencil skirt in a deep slate. It was paired with a light blue sweater that had a deep V-neckline ending in a row of pearl buttons. The heels that Alice had chosen were a bit higher than I liked, but I figured I'd avoid arguing and wear the damn things. It was a small gesture on my part after destroying all of her heels.

_Ma-Esme's life lesson #1: Walk the line between classy and sexy without looking like a were-skank._

For good luck, I wore my favorite blue lace set under the skirt and top. I hoped it would give me enough werebitch swagger to pull this lesson off. I needed every good luck charm I could get tonight. I took one more glance at the mirror to make sure that Alice's hair and make-up were untouched. Everything was still in place. I grabbed my bag of props for the night and headed for the store.

The drive to the store took a little longer than normal because of the Seattle traffic. Furry Bella could have gotten here faster, but we can't risk the fine citizens of Seattle catching site of a giant wolf careening through the streets. After I pulled up to the parking lot, I rushed into the back entrance of the store, trying to makeup for lost time. I had wanted to be here earlier to set up the lounge, but I was much later than planned because Alice took so long with my damned hair.

I managed to stumble inside with my bag and get everything into the right place after a few minutes. I placed several candles around the lounge and lit them. I hoped that having a soothing atmosphere would make this easier on both of us. I took a last look around to make sure everything was visually calming. I inhaled deeply to calm myself down, willing my blush to go away.

_Fasten your sex-belt and prepare to learn, Eddie!_

After being interrogated by Rose last week weekend, I had planned for several different scenarios for this lesson. Now, I had only a few minutes left to go. I was almost tempted to sneak off for a little furgina time to ease my nerves, but sadly I knew the candles wouldn't cover up _Eau du aroused werebitch_. While I was contemplating whether or not to indulge myself, I heard a loud scuffling noise outside the back entrance.

_What the hell? I swear to God! If that's Newton again, I'll make sure that Bite-me Betty's foot is permanently lodged up his ass._

I heard a tentative rap on the back door followed by muffled voices and a thump. I opened it to find Jasper and Emmett, both clutching the shoulders of a very well-built, gorgeous-as-God vamp.

_Dear Lord, thank you for answering my prayers: One fine-ass ready to sex vamp, built to my horny specifications. Wait, this is Eddie…never-been-sexed Eddie. I can fix that!_

I did a very thorough eye-fucking from his feet all the way to the messy mop of bronzed hair falling over his forehead before settling on his amber-colored eyes. He was dressed casually in a button-down and khakis. His choice of clothing looked slightly reminiscent of a JC Penney catalog, but I'm sure Alice could fix that easily. I continued to stare stupidly while my mind was running through different sex scenarios involving fuckable Eddie.

…_A sexy Eddie that can read minds. Oh shit! I wonder if you can get sued for sexually-harassing thoughts?_

I immediately switched my mind back to reciting 'Humpty Dumpty' so that I could get my thoughts out of NC-17 land. After I snapped out of my sex trance, I looked at him only to see him staring at me strangely. His face was extremely serious, yet he seemed to be fighting a surge of giggles.

_What in the hell is so funny Eddie-boy? I'm not the century old sullen virgin here. _

Jasper cleared his throat. "Bella, this is Edward. Edward, Bella."

I smiled slightly to welcome him, but he just continued to look at me oddly. Jasper was not pleased with his silence and squeezed his shoulder. Eddie suddenly let out a high pitch giggle before he abruptly went back to being calm.

He turned his head to glare at Jasper, before sighing and turning back to me.

"Delighted to make your acquaintance, Bella. Forgive my rudeness." He bowed dramatically, took my hand, and placed an icy kiss on the back of my hand. _Wow, that's kind of weird, in a nice way. Does he put Icy Hot on his hands?_

I felt a strange tingling sensation that I could only describe as cool electricity where his lips made contact with my skin. I guess he felt something in that touch as well because he looked back at me with curiosity.

_Dear Lord, if I could only get him down South of the Furgina Pole with that mouth, I'd never send Santa another X-rated Christmas list!_

"Alright Eddie, remember the talk we had about your lessons. Just follow Bella's lead. Here's your blood and ipod in case you get too stressed." Emmet added as he handed a small ipod and what looked like a metal sippy cup to Edward.

_You have got to be fucking kidding me. He carries a sippy cup of blood? Forget the nuthouse, I can start Vamp-Kindercare here at the store._

"Bella, call us when you're finished. We'll be with Rose and Alice until then. We're on speed dial if he gives you any trouble. You'll be good, right Eddie?" Emmett added as he squeezed Edward's shoulder with a death grip that sounded like a rock being cracked. Edward winced slightly_. _

_Remember not to get on Emmett's bad side._

He replied back in a pained voice, "Yes, Emmett, I promise not to try and run away. I said I would give this one attempt." I interrupted them before Edward could finish his sullen monologue.

"Alright Edward, shall we?" I gestured inside.

"Absolutely," He answered back.

He followed me inside and I heard the door slam ominously behind us. As I walked over to the table, I managed to trip my klutzy ass over a rug on the floor. I felt myself falling forward and braced myself for the inevitable crash with the table, but it never happened. I felt a pair of hard arms wrap around me before I crashed into the table. He pulled me back up to my feet before releasing me quickly. He stepped away and looked at the floor shyly.

"Thank you. You have no idea how often gravity disagrees with me and the floor wins," I said with a small laugh.

He looked back at me and his lips turned up in a small smirk. I walked over to the table and sat down. I pointed at the chair opposite of me and motioned for him to sit.

"So, Edward, tell me a little bit about yourself and Tanya," I began, hoping to get him talking.

Edward looked around uncomfortably and cleared his throat. "Um, of course, but do you mind if I put some music on first? I find it helps to clear my mind and relax."

"Sure, do you have a preference? I have mellow stuff like classical or jazz...," I trailed off waiting for him to continue.

"Actually, I have the perfect play list on my ipod. It always calms my nerves. Do you mind?" He looked at the docking station on the counter hopefully.

"Absolutely not. Help yourself," I said.

He took the ipod and leaned over the counter, displaying his ass in full glory.

_Mygodwhatahotass-want to touch, must control self! _

He fiddled with the menu for a second before setting it in the dock. A soft classical piece began to play.

"Ah, that's more like it. This is a play list of Tanya's music." He added, returning to his chair at the table. I nodded vacantly trying to get a hold of myself.

"So Edward, let's begin. Why don't you tell me your reasons for wanting to take lessons?" As he started to talk, I heard an odd sound beginning to surface in the music. The voice and instruments were tolerable enough-obviously vamp. Underneath that I could hear a sound that was similar to someone scratching a vinyl record. How fucking awful! Didn't that bother him? Well, if he thought it would unkink his vamp stress, then I can roll with it. As I refocused on Eddie, I was vaguely aware that he had been waxing poetic about Ho-tanya for a few moments and I had yet to process a single thing he had said. I was too busy ogling the vamp goods and being distracted by the music.

"Tanya? To begin with, she's lovely and so modest. She was a very old friend of Carlisle's before we joined him. She has many talents, especially music. The song we're listening to now is one of hers. I believe she has worked in film some too, strictly behind the camera." Edward smiled as he finished his 'Virtues of Tanya' monologue.

I snorted and coughed a little as I sipped on my drink.

_No wonder I hear a muted banshee tone in the music. Behind the camera in film? More like getting it from behind with the cameraman. That bitch sure isn't making movies for a Lifetime audience._

I once again had to put the screeching brakes on my thoughts. Surely he had noticed me thinking these things? I looked over to find him composed and focused intently on the music. His eyes had a dreamy look in them.

"Edward? Are you okay?" I asked worriedly.

"Hmm? Oh yes, sorry, I tend to get lost in this music when it's playing. Such a heavenly voice," he said.

_Yeah, if 'heavenly' sounds like the dying screeches of a wounded alley cat. Man, he does have it bad. Well, step back Tanya, because here comes horny Bella to the rescue._

"Edward, I'm going to turn the music to some jazz on my ipod. You seem to be having trouble concentrating. You're here to figure out how to win her over right? I asked.

"Yes, you're right. I do apologize. Where was I? Well, I first met Tanya when she visited about two decades ago. She hadn't seen Carlisle in a while and decided to visit to meet the rest of our family. I didn't immediately get along well with her. It was only after I discovered our shared passion for music that I grew to admire her. We've corresponded long-distance the whole time. I send her piano recordings, which she uses as background for her vocals. That song we just heard was a beautiful example of our work. It's a strange relationship, but she is busy with her music and film career. I would like to mold myself into a man that would be worthy of her attention. She has many admirers now, but I want to be at the top," he finished.

_Oh my god, they weren't kidding about him being a loon, were they? Many admirers, my furry-ass. Eddie is president and the only member of the Tanya Fan Club. He probably makes bumper stickers that read, "Tanya's #1 Fan!" I'd bet money he also scrapbooks all of their letters and pictures. _

"Well Edward, that certainly seems like a lovely story. Such a moving tale of unrequited love. Why don't I tell you how I plan to help you?" I waited for him to nod before I started again.

"Well, we're going to attack this in three phases. First, you're going to learn about self-control. Secondly, we're going to work on teaching you how to please a lady in bed. After I'm satisfied with your progress in those two areas, I'm going to help you go after Tanya." I said with a sad smile, feeling bad for encouraging the poor boy.

"Our first lesson tonight is to start work on your self-control. I want to see how you react to certain things and if you can control your responses. This will allow you to build confidence in your sexual responses. Can I ask about experiences you've had with other women? I know it's not a great deal, but we have to pick a starting place." I could feel my cheeks starting to heat up even more. My temperature was starting to rise, and it wasn't just from the damned blushing.

Eddie thought for a moment before he replied, "Well, there was this one lovely time that Tanya kissed me on the cheek before she left on her last visit. Um, this is embarrassing, but I remember part of being human vaguely. There was some …touching? I'm afraid this is the problem. Tanya wants me to be an experienced man before she'll agree to be with me. I don't understand why, but I'd do anything to win her over. I think my lack of experience has led me to be a little over zealous in response."

I hope my mouth wasn't hanging open. _This gorgeous piece of ass hasn't gotten more than a cheek peck? We'll remedy that quickly._

"Well, so basically we're starting with a cheek peck and some spank the monkey?" I asked for clarification.

"What is spank the…? Oh, yes, _that_. That would be about right." His eyes widened slightly, and he gave a sheepish nod.

"Well, now that we're on the same page, I'd like to start with our first object for the night. We'll begin by working with your sense of touch. My mind might wander during this activity, so if any thoughts I have bother you, just tell me to stop, ok?" I looked back at him.

"Erm, you see, that's actually quite curious. I can't seem to hear your thoughts. It's amazing actually. You're the first person I've ever encountered that I can't hear. You can't begin to imagine the things I've heard people think about over the years or things I've seen them doing in their head," he finished.

_I probably could imagine. In fact, my imagination was already two steps past that point and had undressed him already. It's fucking fabulous that he can't read my thoughts! Now, I can think of all the naughty things that I want to do without freaking him out._

"Well, that's a relief. You wouldn't want to be bored to death by listening to me go over home-decorating tips in my head. Now, to begin I'm going to place a scarf over your eyes, so that you can focus on your reaction to the object. If you feel uncomfortable, just tell me and we'll end it," I said as I moved to put the blindfold on him. I reached into my bag and pulled out a long ostrich feather. This was going to be the first object to experiment with tonight. I scooted my chair a little closer to him to have better access.

Edward sat there looking a little stiff, with his palms resting on top of his legs.

"I'm going to take your hand now. Is this alright?" I asked as I reached down and tentatively rested my fingers on the back of his hand. He started slightly but quickly relaxed and nodded.

"Good," I said and picked up his cold hand very gently and turned it over in mine.

"The sensation of touch is heightened under a blindfold. All your senses are on edge, trying to anticipate the unknown. You can't be sure which object I'm going to use, whether it will cause pleasure or pain." I trailed my finger tips over the inside of his palm, following the lines from his wrist to the tips of his fingers. I picked up the feather. Gently, I brushed it over his palm, running it up and down his arm. I was surprised when he twitched slightly, almost as if he were ticklish.

A relaxed smile spread across his face and he sighed slightly. " Feather," he murmured to himself.

"Yes, a feather; however, you had no idea what was coming until you felt it touch your skin. It could have been anything-silk, metal. The goal is to get you used to pleasurable touching, so that you don't react uncomfortably every time. Think of this as desensitization."

While still holding his hand, I trailed the feather down the side of his face and along his jaw. His hand jerked away from me, and I heard a sharp cracking sound. I looked to see that he had gripped the edge of the table so hard that it had splintered slightly.

"Oops…control, right?" he said.

I sighed again. "Yes, control. Now that you've felt the sensation, you should be able to feel it again without so much surprise. You should be able to enjoy it."

_Oh my, the table-cracking was hot. We'll have to see what he can do with a bed frame. _

I trailed the feather down the other side of his face, following the same lines. I brushed the feather in an up and down motion, from his jaw down to his neck. I pulled the feather away just long enough for him to wonder what happened before I brought the feather back to the other side of his face.

He shifted away slightly and took a nervous gulp before speaking. "Bella, can you hand me my blood?"

I reached over to grab the sippy cup and handed it to him, trying to keep from snickering out loud. I watched, half-amused at him gulping down animal blood and half-horrified that he seemed so dependent on the sippy cup. After staring at the muscles on his neck, rippling slightly with his movements, my reaction turned into something more inappropriate. Let's just say I never thought a vamp guzzling blood would turn me on, but the way his tongue darted out to catch the last drop of blood on his lips made me shiver.

After finishing off a generous portion of the blood, Eddie seemed calmer. I took this as an indication that it was safe to proceed. I raised the feather so that it ghosted down the side of his face again. I saw his hand tense into a fist and his mouth tighten slightly, but he managed to relax and lean in the direction of the feather. He seemed to enjoy the tickling sensation more, so I leaned in closer to his ear to see how he would react to more contact.

"Do you like me to stroke it up and down or in a circle?" I whispered in a low voice.

I pulled back abruptly as I heard a hideous metal crunch and felt wet liquid splatter all over me.

_Holy fuck! That asshole just splattered blood all over me!_

Edward gasped and dropped the crumpled metal cup. His chair fell over backward as he jumped quickly to his feet. "Bella-God, I'm so sorry! I wasn't expecting that." He reached up and snatched off the blindfold. The bright light caused him to blink several times, but he still had the same horrified look on his face.

I was sitting there in a daze, probably looking like I walked out of the prom scene of _Carrie_ with blood dripping off me. My mouth was having a hard time forming words. "Towel…please, anything," I sputtered, trying to wipe some of the blood out of my face.

"Sorry…right away," he muttered as he looked around desperately for something. He grabbed a towel from somewhere and flashed back to me in an instant. I inhaled sharply as I felt him start trying to wipe the blood off my chest.

"Enough! Just please let me take care of it!" I snapped as I snatched the towel away from him and began to clean my face. After a few seconds, I was able to see clearly again. Edward was standing there looking deeply embarrassed, staring at the floor.

"I don't know why I bother. This just confirms that I'm hopeless with women," he muttered lamely.

I heaved an exasperated sigh and began to unbutton my top. The damned bloody shirt had to come off before I could deal with the sullen virgin. Once the last button was undone, I shrugged out of my sweater and tossed it in the sink.

"Edward, could you please call Jasper and have him relay an emergency clothing request to Alice?" I asked him. I was so focused on trying to remove some of the blood that had stuck to my collarbone that I didn't take into consideration the fact that a girl without a shirt was the equivalent of hard core porn for Eddie.

"Holymotherofgodbluelacegottago!" was all I could make out as I saw Edward flash out the back door faster than I could blink, the door slamming back on its hinges.

_Great, that went fucking well._

I picked up the phone and hit the speed dial for Jasper.

"Sullen Eddie has flown the coop, and he's going to need a new sippy cup," I barked as soon as the other end picked up.

**A/N: I'm so sorry for taking so long. Excuses, excuses, I know. After exams, I decided to start summer school early, so my time has been reduced even more. I've rewritten this chapter 5 times, and I'm still not really happy with the way it turned out. But, C'est la vie. It's here now. **

**My lovely cheerleaders: Thanks to NanMcCullen for giving me a boot to the ass and getting me back here. She just put up a new chapter of her lovely "No Matter What" that is beyond awesome. She also has another naughty story about Bella and Edward that is a fire cracker. Thanks for helping with the bloqueo de escribir there, chica. **

**Rosalee Lorraine, my slash master: I haven't deserted you! I'm excited about Night Watcher. I promise I'll be over there soon to catch-up.**

**All my other reviewers: Thank you so much for your patience! I'm going to be irregular about posting just because of the way I've got my summer scheduled. I'm sorry, but I've got to get through grad school. I promise I'll do a lovely recap of everyone who reviewed here next chapter! You can send Newton after me if I don't follow through.**


	5. Bloodlust

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or things Twilight/Southern Vampire Mysteries-related. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Review or flame, whatever pleases you!

Any suggestions welcome. Just a personal reminder that this is crack-fic. It's supposed to be funny. B/E will absolutely be together. No matter how demented Eddie may seem, there is method behind the madness.

Warning: Language, Adult Topics, Lemons(once I learn how to lower my word count)

**Chapter 5: Bloodlust**

**5/27/2009**

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**Last time: Eddie went MIA and Bella is trying to get help.**

"Jasper! Are you there?" I waited impatiently for him to speak. Muffled noises came through the receiver before a voice spoke back to me.

"Bella? What happened?" Emmett's loud voice boomed over the phone, making me jerk it away from my ear in surprise.

_House rule #1: Use your inside voice, Emmett. I bet his parents beat the hell out of him as a human for this._

I rolled my eyes and repeated myself. "Eddie saw a little too much skin and freaked out. He zoomed off like a bat of hell and took the god damned back door with him. Where are Jasper and Alice? She should have been watching for this!"

There was a brief silence. "Um, I think they're currently busy, if you catch my drift," Emmett said.

_Merriam Webster- Definition "Busy" : Adj. 1. Occupied with a task_

_Emmett's Dictionary of Subtle- Definition "Busy" : 1. Crazy mad sex screwing. 2. Humping like bunnies._

"What the fuck am I supposed to do? Do I just let him go?" I asked hurriedly.

"You need to go after him Bella. We'll be there as soon as possible. It'll take us a few minutes to get there, but we'll find a scent to follow. Don't forget to take him some blood. He's going to need some to calm down. He's freaked out like this before and it was a damned nightmare. Jasper forgot to turn off the TV one year during the bikini portion of the Miss America pageant. We couldn't get Eddie out of the woods for days after that, and that was only after he eradicated the entire animal population. Also, he gets really pissy if you catch him hunting-fair warning."

I sighed heavily. Sexy Eddie is a lot of damned trouble.

"I get the picture, Emmett. I'm going after him now. Just get your asses here, and for Christ's sake make sure that Rosalie and Alice have their fucking clothes on! Don't think I don't know what you've been doing. If Edward catches sight of any more skin tonight, his heart will probably fucking restart."

I hung up the phone and made a dash for the kitchen to grab a few bottles of synthetic blood. I grabbed one of the packs from near the back door and threw the bottles in and zipped it up. The emergency bag that Alice so lovingly called our "werebitch fanny pack" always stayed at the back in case one of us had to phase. I grabbed the bungee cord and shirt from the bag and wrapped it around my left leg. There wasn't much hope for my bloody clothes, so I decided to let them shred. I dashed out the back door toward the tree line. Once I had gone far enough into the woods, I set down the pack and focused on phasing. I let the tingling start in my spine and felt it spread out. I felt my muscles ripple, skin stretching and morphing into fur. I could feel everything contorting in the few seconds it took for my body to rip apart into wolf form. Learning to phase quickly was difficult for females, but after a damned century, I could change faster than any one. Since vamp-hunting had been outlawed, we only phased to go food-hunting. That happened less often because my prissy werebitch sisters didn't like to eat raw.

I fell down on all four paws, leaving the remnants of my skirt and lace scattered everywhere, as my form evened out. I grabbed the pack and took off into the woods at top speed, mentally cringing at the drool that was sure to form from carrying it in my mouth.

_Fetch that fanny pack, Fido!_

Following his scent was easy after I had practically been inhaling it for the past hour. His path zigzagged through the trees, and he seemed to have covered a lot of ground in the minutes he had been gone. I had been running all out for several minutes before his smell grew stronger. I crept forward cautiously, hoping to catch site of him before I decided on my next move. I heard a thud as a something hit the ground in the trees several yards ahead. I dropped the pack silently and moved forward quietly to see what was happening.

Just beyond some undergrowth, I saw Edward. He had taken down a large buck. I saw him tear into the neck ferociously and rip out a chunk of skin. He latched on to the neck and started gulping down blood. The animal quickly stopped struggling and fell limp.

_Holy hell-that is hot! If all vamp-hunting looked this sexy, I could set up lawn chairs and sell tickets-visual orgasm guaranteed._

I was so busy staring at him that I didn't hear the leaves crackle under my feet as I tried to get a better look at him.

_Uh-oh, guess what, Eddie? You've got company! Want to share?_

He tensed and let the buck fall down to the ground. He turned around quickly, crouching in front of the deer. He let out a low snarl as a warning, and his eyes looked pitch black.

Maybe this was a bad idea. I probably should have listened to Emmett. I debated for a split second. I could either turn tail and run, or try to tackle him until he calmed down.

_Tough choice: Run like hell from the crazed virgin vamp or take him down first?_

I chose option two. This werebitch doesn't run. I backed up away from the tree and phased back, feeling all the skin and fur being suctioned back into my normal size. I grabbed the shirt strapped to my leg and threw it on over my head. The shirt was basically large enough to function as a short dress. We couldn't just carry around shorts like the male weres did.

_Damned Rosalie and her stupid ass logos! Why in the hell am I running around in the woods wearing a shirt that has "Werebitches Do It Doggy Style" written across my chest? _

I peaked around the other side of my hiding place, to see that Eddie had decided to finish his snack as no threat had jumped out at him. I crept forward quietly, trying to get close enough to lunge at him. He heard me as I stopped a few feet away. Before he could react, I managed to plow into him and knocked him into the closest tree. I threw my weight against him to keep him pinned, but he was stronger than I expected. He growled angrily and kept trying to get his hands around my throat.

_Where in the fuck are you, Emmett? I need some vamp muscle to back me up here!_

He let a snarl loose, clearly pissed off over having his meal interrupted again.

"Look here, asshole, I've got blood in the bag for you. No one's going to snack on your mangy buck."

Apparently, my comments weren't helping the situation. Edward growled sharply and broke my hold. He gripped my shoulders and threw me up against another tree. At the same time the bark cut into my back, a lower branch scratched my neck deeply, breaking the skin. I felt blood trickle out of the cut on to my skin. I looked up at him, feeling slightly apprehensive. I don't know if vamps were repelled by were blood. His eyes grew even darker and he leaned down closer to me, the growling turning into a low rumbling.

_Oh my, grandmother, what big eyes you have! The only thing I'm missing is my red cape._

I felt his nose skim along my jaw, down my neck, inhaling deeply. At the going rate, I was probably going to pass out. His lips ghosted over the cut, a cool tongue darting out to taste. I shivered from the contact, never thinking that a vamp could have this effect on me.

_What a fuckalicious mouth you have there, Eddie. We can schedule a regular play date to get better acquainted._

I fisted his hair roughly and pulled his face back up to mine. The larger portion of my head was screaming to hell with going slow-I listened. I looked at him for a moment, waiting for a reaction from his blackened irises. I raised myself a little higher, bringing my lips close to his. He was so near that I could feel the cool air exhaling from his mouth, tickling my nose. My lips pressed against his lightly, testing the moment to see if he would allow this-if he could handle it. He paused for a long second, but then he began to kiss me back with enthusiasm.

_Let's see how much I can get away with before Prissward takes back over._

I pulled back slightly and licked the corner of his mouth, moving to nip on his bottom lip and suck it into my mouth. He growled softly at this and pushed himself hard against me, causing the rough bark to dig into my back. I took the opportunity to deepen the kiss, letting my tongue slide fully into his mouth. He tensed slightly, but he reciprocated and pushed harder against my mouth.

He was getting so consumed that his hands began to travel south and finally stopped on my hips, gripping tightly. He pulled me closer as he deepened the kiss, snaking one hand round around my lower thigh and pulling my leg around his hip. I felt myself trying to grind against him, anything to get closer. By this point, my brain had hopped on the Porn Star Express. My destination goal was to rip my vamp's clothes off and screw him anyway possible.

_Jesus, was he packing a fucking baseball bat in there? Hello there, Not-so-little Eddie, meet the furgina. _

I pulled myself away, gasping for air, trying to steady my breathing. Edward continued by dragging his lips along my jaw, trailing small kisses further down my neck, grazing over the broken skin that was now healing.

_That's right, Eddie. Kiss my boo-boo and make me feel better._

I sighed a little, thinking that he was getting ready to stop. He lips lingered over the cut, inhaling again.

_Tsk-tsk. Didn't you read the "no huffing the werewolf" rule in the fine print?_

Just when I thought he was going to pull away, I felt a sharp prick, followed by his teeth sinking into my neck. Before I could register what was happening, he took a deep pull from the wound. I shuddered, feeling heat starting to build between my legs. I dug my nails into his shoulder and clenched his shirt so hard that it ripped. On a normal day, common sense would decree that getting drained by a vamp was something close to repulsive. At this moment, my brain felt wonderfully dizzy, so I savored the moment and let my head fall back against the tree.

_Ho-shit, I'm getting drained by a fucking vamp! I'm too young to die. I haven't even gotten the chance to meet with one of those creepy pre-need burial plot salesman. _

Somewhere in my haze, I managed to find my voice. "Edward, wait…what are you doing?" I brought my hands up to push against him. I gave a hard shove to his chest and he stumbled backward. His eyes were still dark, and he let out a low growl.

_Oh. Hell. No. You are not getting all pissy with me because you lost your werebitch sippy cup._

He dropped into a crouch, stalking toward me. I backed away from the tree, trying to give myself room to run if needed. He tensed as though he was getting ready to spring, but before he could move a huge shape barreled into him.

_Thank you, sweet Jesus! The vamp steroid squad has arrived for rescue!_

I watched as Emmett managed to pin Edward down, though he was still snarling like a crazed creature. Emmett landed a large cracking punch to Eddie's jaw, which finally seemed to get his attention.

"Eddie! What the hell, bro? I leave you here with this hot chick, who agreed to help you. Now I find you getting ready to attack her. What's wrong with you?" Emmett yelled at him.

Then Emmett turned to me and spoke, "Bella, can you hand me a bottle of blood, please? Nice shirt by the way."

I blushed and turned to find my bag. I pulled out a few bottles and popped the cap on one. I held it out to Edward, and he snatched it away from me. He started to gulp the bottle down as if he'd discovered the holy grail. He plopped down on the ground, rapidly finishing the first bottle and scrambling for the second. He started hiccoughing after he finished the second bottle, trembling slightly.

He slowly seemed to come back to himself as his eyes returned to the lighter shade of amber. I think he was finally coming out of the bloodlust because he looked at us, then gazed around as though he had no idea how he got here.

"What did I do? Oh god, I lost control and jumped on you, didn't I?" he said.

"Hell yes, bloodsucker! I'm not a fucking blood donor, not that I didn't enjoy it a little. You started to drain me. Have a problem we need to talk about?" I snapped.

"I'm so sorry, but I have a problem with bloodlust. Certain things set it off. If I can't satisfy my thirst, well, you see what happens. I'm such a monster." He looked down dejectedly.

I snorted loudly, "You think? I was almost sucked dry, Sherlock. Emmett, this was my one attempt. I'm done."

I turned and started jogging away from the group. Once I was several yards away, I threw myself into the air, transforming in a quick second and shredding all my remaining clothing. I galloped full speed back to the store, wondering how things had gotten fucked up so quickly. One thing was for certain, Alice had a marker down at the local pet cemetery with her name on it.

**Long ass A/N: Sorry for the crap chapter last time. I finally got my mojo back once I came up with the right product advertisement. Not sure when the next chapter will be up, but I do have everything outlined now. A small warning that I might be posting a one-shot soon. Even though I'm crazy busy still, I had another idea that just wouldn't get out of my head. Thanks to everyone who has stuck with me so far, read this shit, and reviewed.**

**Due diligence to the people who reviewed for chapter 3, but were not recognized. Thank you all so much for the kind words and support. **

**Lblinky-winky, kittikat505, WA0520, chitown4183, Rosalee Lorraine, rock'n'roll-princess,Aestheticvoyager, Nicolh2008,writeswithcrayons, RaCullen(who has been kind enough to double duty on FF and ), DarkAngelTierra, Famingo, betah75, xoYourSexiiTwilightfanox, TeamEdwardLover, and the sweetheart NanMcCullen.**

**Chapter 4 Reviewers: You all deserve an Edward vibrator as your happy meal toy for bothering to review, cause I'm pretty sure that was epic-fail.**

**Twilightfashionista artiste, cullenloverforever101,fairyflosscaitlyn, ILRPinkGirl, RingtheBella, Famingo, xoYourSexiiTwilightfanox, my lovely Rosalee Lorraine(Cough-cough, where's Nightwatch?:P), Snikkrz, writeswithcrayons, NanMcCullen(I got my sex toy groove back!), RaCullen, Screams-at-midnight, and Foxnomore.**

**A 'Happy Late Birthday' to Lavish1 from twilighted , who inspired me to get this one done. Thanks for your messages.**

**I'm going to throw the gauntlet down here. **

**If anyone isn't reading NanMcCullen's "The Mistress and her Master" then get after it. It's E/B and really hot. I'm sure you can guess what kinda kinky stuff is going to happen from the title **

**RosaleeLorraine's got a one-shot up called "Ten Minutes" and oh my gawd, it's got some taboo naughtiness between Emmett and Jasper. Read at your own risk. **

**Everyone needs to get out there and bug the shit out of these two ladies to write more-preferably in the nice way by reviewing, or you can just set-up camp with me in the worship wing.**

**I usually don't head out for mainstream popularity, but Feathersmmmm has a new one called "Eddie Wallbanger." It's fucking funny so far and I hope that it's as sexy as "I love L.A." Watch out for that hook-nailed pussy!**


	6. Senior Sex Baskets

6/14/2009

A/N: First, you all know that I've been complaining to high hell about losing focus on this story, school, blah-blah. Thanks to everyone who stuck with me so far, even though this shit keeps getting more left field as we go along. Fair warning, Edward sneaks in his point of view midway. I was so inspired by the Edward Wallbanger story (feathersmmmm) that my fucked-up mind started spouting off crap. I had to throw this in here before I forget about it. Please forgive me and my epic fail at poetry. Poorly written and greatly inspired by the Clive's hang-nail and Wall-bumping Eddie. I sincerely apologize to the author of this story for this great disaster:

Ode to Eddie Wallbanger

For never was a story of more woe  
Than this of Bella and her lost "O"

A sexy neighbor and lots of banging

Poor Bella had to listen each night

Screams of "fuck me" and spanking

and Eddie Wallbanger's yells of delight

Meow, click-Once.

Meow, click-Twice.

Hang-nailed Clive blew his shit,

Launching at the wall in a fit.

What could a kitty want more?

Only the Russian pussy next door!

Deprived Bella only longs to know

-where in the hell did she put her "O."

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or things Twilight/Southern Vampire Mysteries-related. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Review or flame, whatever pleases you!

Any suggestions welcome. Just a personal reminder that this is crack-fic. It's supposed to be funny. B/E will absolutely be together. No matter how demented Eddie may seem, there is method behind the madness.

Warning: Language, Adult Topics, Lemons(are promised before Bellaward hits retirement age)

**Chapter 6: Senior Sex Baskets!**

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Is this some fluffy bleeding heart campaign to raise funds for an endangered species?

Hell no!

This calendar features all the fuck-hottest weres from our local area getting down and dirty.

We just caught all these guys on camera!

Highlighted guests include:

SPD's Jacob Black in fine furry form sporting handcuffs and a police hat

That tail's wagging for you, girls!

5tth precinct Fire-fighters Embry and Quill

Ladies, these guys are on call and ready to set you on fire!

Each purchase of two or more gets you a free month of online time* with

Fangs N' Fur©

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Where you'll find the largest selection of Supernaturals in Seattle!

*Connection charges may apply

**Last time: Eddie and Bella had an encounter of the sexy kind against a tree in the woods. The bloodlust overwhelmed poor Eddie, and he tried to drain Bella like a delicious chocolate shake. Sluuurrrp! Bella's pissed and she called off the lessons. Will our heroine be persuaded to take him back?**

_Several days later_

I twirled the stem of a flower in my hand and started to pluck off petals.

_Fuck him,_

_Fuck him not._

_Kill him, _

_Kill him not,_

_Forgive him_

_Or not?_

This marked four days of increasingly extravagant flower arrangements that had been delivered while I was at work. At the going rate, the delivery guy probably thought I was an overpaid werehooker. Who could blame him? Working in a sex store and getting nice flower arrangements each passing day. Today, the arrangement had been followed by a singing vamp who delivered an apologygram with all the flair of a Vegas showgirl. I could only stare in stupidity at the idiot while he did a little song and dance number.

My apologies for nearly draining you!

It's killing me to abstain.

Your blood is like chocolate-it's true!

Dripping sweetly from the vein.

I'm so glad I didn't kill you

Please give me a second chance!

This vampire has problems too-

I need lessons in romance!

_Holy hell, Edward has got some sad rhyming skills. Wonder if he bribed a first-grader to come up with that shit?_

Before I could leap over the counter to throw the idiot out, Rose had grabbed him by the collar and tossed him outside in an undignified heap.

"Fucking idiot! I know we're not supposed to kill the messenger, but seriously Bella. I'm going to murder the next delivery guy or singing shithead that steps foot in here. Throw Eddie a bone and call him. Tell him to stop sending this shit here. It's throwing off my work mojo. It's been so distracting that I've had trouble finishing up the ads for the senior sex drive campaign." Rose said as she cracked her knuckles and went to finish the large sign in the display window. The sign read in bold script:

**Senior Sex Basket Drive**

**You're never too old to put a spark back in your sex life!**

**Help us bring the gift of good sex back to the supernatural senior community of Seattle!**

**Our goal is to deliver sex baskets to every vamp senior center and were-retirement home in our area.**

**For every purchase made this month, our store will donate one item towards a basket. Any other donations are welcome.**

**All items will be assembled into baskets and delivered on a weekly basis.**

**All baskets include complementary Old-Timer© lube and a copy of "Getting Your Freak On in the Golden Years."**

I rolled my eyes as I finished reading the sign. Where in the hell Alice and Rose came up with these ideas, I'll never know. They just always took me along for the ride. I dropped the flower back on to the counter and turned back to my work. The senior sex basket campaign had launched this week, and it fell to me to put the baskets together. Rosalie and Alice were handling the other details, while I was left with assembly. After placing the confetti filler in the bottom of the basket, I started adding all the sex goodies. Vibrator? Check. Scary senior lube and old folks' sex manual? Check. Flavored massage oils for AARP sexy times? Check. God, I hope that the nursing homes don't have security cameras installed. Otherwise a new market for senior porn may takeoff in Seattle.

_I can see it now. New best-sellers: "Deep Throat: Geriatric Style" or "Adventures with Dentures." _

I shook my head, trying to get those images out of my head. I didn't need to have new nightmares after the Newton incident. I tied off the cellophane around the basket and added the requisite "Sex and the Supernatural" logo tag to the top. Finally, my part was finished. I had put together thirty of these damned things today. After the store closed, we were supposed to deliver the first group to the local senior center.

"Alice, Rose, all the baskets are done. Are you bitches ready to hit the road?" I called out to the other two.

There was a short pause before Alice yelled back. "We're closing up now. Give us a few seconds."

After I'd finished loading the baskets into the back of the car, Rose and Alice finally chose to appear. Once the store was locked up, we all headed for the car. Alice was driving, and Rose called shotgun. This left me to squeeze in the back with the sex baskets. I had scratchy ass cellophane and wicker poking me in inappropriate places for the entire ride.

"Jazz and Em are going to meet us there. They're going to help hand out the baskets. Hopefully, their presence will be enough to keep the old skeezers from perving on us." Rose added.

I'm sure she was thinking about our last volunteer stint, when an old wrinkly were had tried to commission us into turning tricks for folks at the nursing home and wanted to pay us in Geritol and Ben-gay.

_What sexy wrinkles you have, Geriatric Pimp Daddy_

Rose almost managed to break his nose, but we were able to restrain her in time.

"Whatever you say, Rose." I added with a mental eye-roll. My mood wasn't the best for socializing today, but I'd agreed to do this. Getting out of the sex basket hell in the back seat was a struggle, but I managed without losing any vital limbs. Now I only had to get all this crap in the center without falling on my ass. Each day of my life was a struggle against gravity.

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It was on the twenty-eigth basket that al hell broke loose.

_Shit, this is not the orderly night I had in mind. Is it illegal to use a Taser on old people? _

"Mrs. Cope! Please be reasonable. We have plenty of baskets left to go around. There's no need to fight over them." My words fell on death ears as I struggled to separate the two old harpies that were both clutching desperately at the same basket.

"But that's the last temp react vibrator! I want it, and I was here first! She can wait for the others to come in." Mrs. Cope screamed like a woman possessed.

"Screw you, old Bat! You've been sneaking around with Bob Banner down in 3B. I've seen you! You don't need that damned vibrator. I don't have a man anymore." Mrs. Clearwater yelled back jerking the basket back from Crazy Cope.

"Emmett, Jazz, please help me!" I screeched. I had a third hand on the basket, trying to yank it away from the two insane old werebitches. I gave a good jerk and fell on my ass, the contents of the basket sprawling over my lap.

The two vamps had managed to restrain each woman at the same moment I had grabbed the basket, leaving me sprawled on the floor with the mountain of sex goodies on my lap. The crazy bitches were still yelling insults at each other, but it appeared Jazz had sent a wave of "chill-the-fuck-out" toward each one. Cope's head was drooping and Clearwater had already passed out.

"And the winner is...Gravity-1 Bella-0! Do you ever make it a day without face-planting or tripping over something?" Emmett managed to wheeze out during his laughing fit as his dragged Mrs. Cope over to the couch. Jasper followed with Mrs. Clearwater.

Both women were currently dead to the world.

Alice scurried over to help me up, keeping me from slipping on all the shit beneath my feet. "Here's another one of the vibrators they were fighting over. I managed to barter one away from Ms. Goff. I think this should keep them both happy." She started rearranging the contents of two baskets. In the end, two baskets were left by the old bats. Each had exactly the same vibrator and toy contents.

I sure as hell wasn't getting involved in any more senior werebitch fighting for the day, so I left the group to plop down on a sofa in the back corner of the room. Besides the incident between the two old crazies, everyone else had gotten their baskets in an orderly manner without dramatics. The sex basket drive had gone very well here, which meant that it would probably do just as well at the other planned locations.

I laid my head against the couch for a few moments to try and relax. I had been wound up tightly the whole week, conflicted over how to deal with Eddie. My feelings had gone back and forth. I was still pissed as hell that no one clued me in to his bloodlust problem and that I had almost been drained, while I felt guilty for walking away after I had promised to give him a shot. I recovered quickly thanks to good were genes, but it took a few days for my blood supply to catch up. The continuous flower deliveries and bad apologygram didn't really help my mood. Why couldn't he just send a card or something? Alice had been dropping not-so-subtle hints the whole week about how remorseful Edward was--that he had been walking around chanting "monster" under his breath every time she had seen him.

A soft piano melody interrupted my thoughts. It was beautiful and flowing, but not something I'd heard before. I listened closely, trying to figure out where it was coming from. I couldn't see a piano here in the main area, but I felt compelled to find out what the music was, so I got up to search the activity rooms in the back. It suddenly occurred to me why music might be playing back there.

_Dear lord, I promise I'll burn my entire collection of vibrators-even my secret stash under the bed! Just please don't let me walk in on any senior sexcapades!_

I peaked into each of the viewing windows in the doors, hoping to god I wouldn't see something that would make me want to bleach my retinas. I finally heard the music in the last room. I carefully looked into the window and was relieved to only see two people sitting at a piano. I froze, blinking hard to make sure I was really seeing the person correctly. That bronze hair could only belong to one person. I felt the anger boiling under my skin. I waited quietly as I saw both of them coming toward the door.

_That fucker better not be here on purpose. It's time to put those vamp shredding skills to use._

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_So gentlemanly…What a nice looking young vampire! I never had an ice fetish, but if I were a few decades younger…purrrr… _"Do you think my lesson went better this week, Edward?" Ms. Goff asked with a smile that didn't hint at the lewd thoughts running through her head.

I struggled to keep a pleasant face and not run screaming out the door as more unwelcome thoughts rolled through her mind. One would think that old people would spend time thinking about playing bridge and bingo, not focused on sex. I let my fingers linger on the keys after I finished playing. As a treat for Ms. Goff's progress in her lessons, I played her the newest song I had been working on. I grabbed the squeeze-it bottle from the top of the piano and swallowed a mouthful of my preferred O negative. Sadly, I had learned my lesson about using metal cups after the Bella-incident last week, so I switched to a jelly-like material that could take pressure grips without exploding.

"Yes, you have made wonderful progress. I'm so pleased with how much you've learned. I'm sure that you'll be just as good next week, right?" I replied.

_I can show you better than good, young man. I might have to wear that new outfit I ordered online…maybe some of those crotchless thingies I have in the drawer.… You can't see the wrinkles in the dark anyway…_

Do they make spam filters for your brain? I really need to find one. I can't take these old women and their thoughts anymore.

"Well, Ms. Goff. That's all the time I have for today. Lots of students to see. Have a nice weekend!" I escorted her out the door, trying to block out the images of her plans for her sex basket. Once the door was shut, I leaned against it and let out a deep breath in relief. That was the last one for the day.

Carlisle and Emmett had talked me into volunteering here, saying that I had become too reclusive by spending so much time at home. They didn't understand that working on Tanya's music compositions took so much time, and then I was glad to spend time just listening to her voice. Every time I heard her music, I could see her face in my mind. The words "beautiful, perfect, lovely" just floated right alongside her image.

I felt torn because I had been thinking about Bella for most of the week, rather the normal amount of time I thought about Tanya. My attempts at apologizing for the mess last weekend were weak at best. I didn't know how to make up for what I had done. I could be such a monster when I was out of control. I thought that my brothers had explained my problem to her, but apparently not. After my idiocy with spilling blood all over her, I didn't know what to do. Fumbling and mumbling were obviously my best talents. When she took off her shirt, I was struck dumb by how beautiful she was. Apparently little Edward at the South Pole was just as affected. Before I knew what I was doing, I bolted for the woods, trying to find a source of blood to attack.

I could always hear my human mother's voice in my mind, saying the same thing. _"You shouldn't think about girls like that or touch yourself, Edward! Only monsters do those things…nasty, dirty little monsters…" _I don't remember much about my human life, but I remember those words most clearly. I had carried the guilt from her words into this life. Times had changed drastically, especially with the thoughts that flowed through minds today. Blood always helped to calm me down, but situations like the one with Bella sent me into a frenzy of sorts. I couldn't remember clearly what happened with her. I only remember feeling threatened before attacking. The blood had been so sweet, like nothing I'd ever tasted in my human-hunting days. I just knew that I had to keep drinking it. It wasn't till Emmett had crushed in half my skull that I realized I'd been sucking Bella dry. The little voice in my head cycled on repeat, saying the same thing: _Just like a monster!_

Maybe I could try to see Bella and apologize in person. Alice would know would what work best. I wonder why I didn't ask her before. No time like the present. I turned to go find her.

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I waited patiently behind the door as the older lady scurried down the hallway. Edward had closed the door and was leaning against it. He looked like he was having a mental battle with himself.

_Not only is he crazy as the mad-hatter over blood, but he can't handle giving the poor older lady piano lessons?_

He finally turned the door handle and stepped out of the room. I gave him no warning as I grabbed him by the shirt collar and threw him into the supply closet next to the piano room.

"You! What the hell are you doing here?" I growled as he flew into the wall, pieces of cinderblock crumbling around him and a shelf overturning onto the floor. I slammed the door shut behind me

He yelped in surprise and tried to straighten up. "Bella? Wait a minute, let me explain…"

I didn't give him the chance to finish as I grabbed his collar and slammed his head into the wall again. I threw my arm into his throat and kept him pinned to the wall. His eyes were wide in alarm and he seemed to be looking for some method of escape.

_Run, run as fast as you can, ginger-haired man. You're not getting away from me until I've taken a few limbs off, pretty boy._

"No, you listen to me, dickhead! Not only was I almost drained by you, but I've had to endure countless flower deliveries and shitty singing telegrams. I haven't been able to work without interruption. Now, I can't even do volunteer work without you being a thorn in my ass." I snarled at him.

He stopped struggling immediately and held still.

_That's right, Eddie. You should be very fucking afraid._

I channeled all my energy into my hands, forcing them into talons resembling my wolf claws. I felt my teeth sharpen as I let out another growl. My fingers ripped into his shirt and tore open the front, leaving claw marks down his chest.

"That was for fucking up my shirt."

I then sunk my teeth into his neck, feeling the venom start to ooze out of the wound. He made a half-choked gurgling sound as I ripped out a chunk of his neck and spit it on the ground. I licked the sugary-tasting venom off my teeth and leaned forward to press a hard kiss against his cold lips.

"That was for fucking with my blood supply. If I were a vampire, I'd finish you off right now. When you can man up enough to apologize in person, come see me. Later, asshole!" I left him slumped against the wall, clutching his throat.

_And that, my bitches, is the way it's done. _

**Quickie A/N: All my love to everyone who reviewed. I'll list out all my lovely reviewers next chapter. This chapter was long and I'm just trying to get it out here as quickly as possible. I will respond to everyone who has reviewed because I'm unbelievably grateful and in love with you all for your support. Alas, still in school, so updates strike as inspiration comes.**

**There are tons of great stories out there, but here are a few random recs: **

**Once Bitten, Twice Shy** by ~cereuleanblue Neat AU Twilight story where she meets the Cullens in a different way. This one doesn't have nearly enough reviews.

**Prey** by ~ Summer35. The heat just cranked up big time on this one. Darkward and sexyward rolled into one.

NanMcCullen just put up two chapters of "**Master and Her Mistress**." If you haven't been reading it, then get to it!

And finally, Slash story "**Sexual Healing**" by Rosalee Lorraine. It's Carlisle, Emmett, and Edward,…hot man meat x 3!


	7. Peace,love,Munchibears

7/9/2009

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or things Twilight/Southern Vampire Mysteries-related.

Warning: Nasty Language, Adult Topics, Lemons(eventually) Just a personal reminder that this is crack-fic. It's supposed to be funny.

**Chapter 7 is down below the long-ass A/N **

This chapter is dedicated to some anonymous soul that apparently lost their mind and put in a nomination for Sex & the Supernatural for **Crack-fic WIP **at the Indie twi fic awards. I'm eternally thankful and you can expect the sex bunny to bring a large basket of love and blood gushers and a Bite-me Betty to your doorstep!

Alright my darlings, I don't usually whore myself out (though my hourly rates are really low and reservations are available), but I'm going to do it tonight. I even rushed this chapter so as not to be a huge twat-tease and only put up an A/N about voting. The Indie Twific awards have voting starting July 9-12th. You can vote at (www the indie twi fic awards dot com). Obviously, without all the spaces in it. See the link on my profile. I have a few favorites that I'm pushing here. I'm encouraging folks to read them, not to just vote because I'm asking!

A/U Human: No Matter What by ~ NanMcCullen

Best Alternate Universe WIP: Prey by ~ Summer35 (Badass Darkward)

Best Collab: Socks for Sex by goldentempress/nostalgicmiss

**Chapter 7: Love, Peace, and Munchibears! **

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Product life depends on individual circumstances. Average life 5 days

Two varieties: O negative (energy formula) and A+(calming)

As an added bonus with this amazing kit,

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Now vamps can have gummy bears too!

No more staring enviously at humans chomping away on those cute little bears.

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_Several days later_

"Hold still, bitch. Your hair looks like a fucking squirrel died in it!" I tried to swat away Rose's hand as she continued to abuse my hair, but nothing stopped her once the inner-hair dominatrix was released.

"Very funny, Rose. You know I have a habit of playing with my hair when I'm frustrated. Well, I've been _really_ fucking frustrated this week, and--Oww! That shit is attached to my scalp!" I clenched my teeth as she tugged a little harder than necessary on another piece as she pinned it back.

"Bella, take the time to listen to Eddie, and please, _please_ promise you won't rip out any more flesh, unless it's in the middle of mind-blowing sex. Tearing out a person's throat is not on the rule list for _How to Win Vamps and Influence Weres_. That's only acceptable when a wereskank is putting the moves on your guy." She added the last bobby pin and looked a little smug at her creation.

I snorted in disbelief. "Well, he bit me first! It's not like I had a sign hanging around my neck that said 'willing blood donor.' "

She was still staring at my hair with a calculating look. "Who knew cock rings could be so useful? At least the extra-small ones, right? I don't know why Alice ordered that size in the first place. It's not like a guy would publicly announce that he's packing a microdick by buying one. Maybe Alice can remarket it as a Hair Houdini?" Rose said in a thoughtful tone.

_Holy Masturbating Mother Mary, I'm going to superglue her nipples to the front display window if she just used a cock ring to put my hair into a bun._

"Rose, please tell me you didn't just use me as the inaugural guinea pig for the cock ring hair twist? That's really fucking nasty." I reached back to try and undo the complicated knot, but she slapped my hands away.

"Leave it alone! It looks nice and you don't really have time to be picky. Edward will be here in just a minute," Rose barked as she walked off to separate two younger vamps that were arguing in the front of the store. From the look of things, those little punks James and Laurent were arguing over the last autographed copy of Tanya's _Vampginas from Outer Space._

_That's the only action they'll be getting since I've heard rumors about them catching a case of Fangorrhea from skank-ho Victoria._

"Hey! Stop punking around, you two little dicks! That was the display copy and it's on reserve." She snatched the DVD away from them and threw it on the counter. The two fuckwits kept arguing with each other and apparently didn't understand that Rose meant business.

_Poor bastards have my deepest sympathy. Who needed a bouncer when you had Rose? I hope our insurance rates aren't raised again because of the assault claims. I don't think sexual favors will do the trick this time._

_Crack! _Rose grabbed their necks and slammed their heads together; that was enough to stun them into silence. She gripped one ear each and jerked the little pricks toward the door.

"Get the hell out and don't come back until you've learned to act like you weren't raised in a wolf den!" She gave James a solid kick to his ass to help their progress out the door.

"Stupid fucking vamps. I swear I'd try to hunt them into extinction if it weren't for the good ones like Esme, Em, and the rest of the Cullens," she muttered as she wiped her hands on her skirt and went to the stock room to check for more copies of Skank-tanya's vamp pornos.

The bell clanged as the door partially opened, but no one entered. I raised my eyebrows in confusion. Were those little bloodsuckers dicking around with us? Maybe more religious solicitors?

_I knew that the "Quarantined for Contagious Sexual Dysfunction under order of the Supernatural Center for Disease Control" sign wasn't a good idea. Sure, it scared off all the cross-carrying nut jobs for a few days, but eventually we were Jesus-spammed via the postal service._

After opening a few weeks ago, our mail box had constantly been filled with biblical literature and flyers that had "Get Saved Now!" and "Come to Jesus" stamped on them. I don't know what type of church these people attended, but under the authority of Ma-Esme and the ass-beater stick "Come to Jesus"was the code phrase for "run like hell because mamma vamp doesn't need to rest between ass-bruising sessions." I guess some terms aren't universal. All three of us girls acted like holy terrors as little weres; there were lots of _Come to Jesus_ moments in our house.

The person holding the door was apparently going to take a mental round trip to Mexico before deciding to enter. I sniffed the air to get an idea of _what_ we were dealing with. Chocolate, honey, vodka,…gummy bears? I could definitely smell vamp. It had to be loony bin Eddie; his scent was the equivalent of sticking my nose into a box of chocolate-covered doughnuts. Where did the vodka come in? Unless…No fucking way! He must have picked Alice's mind for this – my one eternal weakness.

_Sweet chocolate-covered hallelujah! MünchiBears-- Vodka-injected chocolate-covered gummy bears handmade at a specialty shop in Germany. Get that shit in here before I pass out from Münchi-lust!_

I hadn't had those gummy bears in two damned decades. I thought that shop had closed, but leave it to Alice. Peace offering accepted!

"If you don't hand that shit over before I get to zero, I'm going to change my mind about accepting your apology. Ten…nine...eight," I started to count down. Before I could get to seven, his bronze mop popped into the open door way. He looked around curiously at all the sex paraphernalia before walking completely inside.

"Sorry, I wasn't sure if this was the best idea. You really like these things?" He gestured to the glass container he had pulled from behind his back.

"They smell madly repulsive. I wasn't very confident in Alice's suggestion, but I can see I was wrong. Please allow me to apologize again, Bella. I'm sorry that we've gotten off on the wrong foot time and again, not to mention your almost-draining and the dismemberment of my trachea If these things will do the trick, I'll order as many pounds as you can eat." He held the jar out to me with a tentative smile. If this was his olive branch, I'd sure as hell take it.

"Thankssomuch-Ilovetheshitoutofthese-Apologyaccepted!" I mumbled as I ripped off the fancy ribbons and other decorative shit. I reverently picked up the top one and held it under my nose to inhale the aroma. A low purring sound started rumbling in my chest as I savored the scent. I'm not sure what type of chocolate the shop used, but the smell was like standing at the pearly gates of the big Krispy Kreme in the sky.

_In the name of the orgasm, the German gummy bear, and the Holy mother of all chocolate, Amen. May your sacrifice be savored, MünchiBear!_

With that silent offering, I ate the first bear. I couldn't help the lusty moan that escaped my throat. I hadn't had these babies in so long. The sweet chocolate on the exterior, melting away to the fruity gummy bear. After a little chewy goodness, the vodka would drip out of the center.

_You're my favorite person right now, Eddie. A couple more handfuls of MünchiBears and I'd be happy enough to express my undying love._

Edward coughed to get my attention.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry! I just can't help myself with these little guys. They're so yummy." My efforts at speaking ended with me spewing bits chocolate and gummy chunks on my shirt.

_Oops, that was attractive Bella. Now who's having trouble with self-control? _

Maybe Alice had him bring the bears for a reason? I swallowed one more time and looked up at Edward, who looked like he was trying to stifle his laughter at my gulping down the candy like a pig digging into a trough.

"Okay, Edward. Why don't we try to wipe the slate clean? My name is Bella Swan. I'm a werebitch with a dirty mouth that makes a sailor look like a church deacon. I have an addiction to sex toys and I love MünchiBears. I have two sisters and a vamp mom. Pleased to re-meet you, although I'm still keeping an eye on my blood supply. Almost-drained, twice shy, and all that jazz." I reached toward him, grabbed his hand and shook it vigorously. The vodka was already having an effect on me.

With that stupid half-smile in place, he responded in a calmer tone. "Nice to meet you again, Bella. I have two idiot brothers and a great vamp dad. I compose music for piano mostly, but I give lessons at the local community center several times per week. I have problems with bloodlust, but I'm working on it."

I grinned back like a fool. I'd already gone through the top third of the jar. Bad idea. Even with my overactive metabolism, the alcohol was making me much more friendly than usual.

"Pleased to make your acquaintance, Eddie." I said. Something was not quite right with him today, but I couldn't quite identify what. During our first meeting he had seemed as anxious as a crack addict trying to flee rehab, so I decided to ask him directly. "Why do you seem so calm today?"

"I'm glad that you noticed. I finally found something to help my problem." He rolled up his sleeve and turned his arm over to show what looked like several red bandages stuck to the skin.

"Alice told me about this a few days ago after the throat incident. The patches deliver blood continuously, so it helps to regulate the attacks if I get really anxious. I probably shouldn't have worn so many, but most vamps don't have to carry around a blood bottle. It's been great so far. I haven't had to carry blood around in two days," he replied as he pulled the sleeve back down.

_Who knew? Paxil patches for vamps. Maybe we could plant one on Alice?_

"I know it's probably early to ask this, but I was wondering if you'd allow me to cook you dinner as part of my apology? We could watch a movie, if that's okay? I know that I don't eat human food, but I took cooking classes for quite a while. I can make a to-die-for mushroom ravioli. Does that sound tempting enough?" he asked with a sexy pout.

_Well-well, Emmett must have tried to teach Edward glamour skills again. He is turning up the heat on my sexomometer, so it might be working a little bit. _

I was pondering his request and still snarfing bears when Alice walked to my side and interrupted the conversation.

_Now the little scheming werebitch decides to make an appearance._

"She would love to go, right Bella?" She asked cheerily.

Unable to speak clearly through the mouthful of MünchiBears, I just shrugged noncommittally. Before I registered her intention, she reached behind my head and grabbed the cock ring twist. She used her grip to nod my head up-and-down before I could say anything.

"See! It's all settled. I have a bag packed with movies—all PG-rated, of course. There are a few other surprises in there too. Edward can drive you both. You kids have fun and behave."

Before I knew what had happened, I found myself bundled out the door toward Edward's soccer mom Volvo. Alice pushed me and the bag into the front seat, plopped the jar of Münchis on my lap, and slammed the door. As crazy Eddie floored the Volvo out of the parking lot, I grabbed the "Oh Shit" handle and held on to my candy for dear life.

**A/N**

**A cliffie, I know, but another update will be here much sooner. I'm still getting my ass abused in summer school right now, so have patience.**

**I know this was a really short filler, but there's more to come. First, let me clarify another thing about the last chapter. The retirement center was for weres who had stopped phasing and thus, were aging. The vamp 'seniors' are people who were obviously of the geriatric persuasion when they were turned, not vamps who aged. I apologize for not mentioning this upfront. Secondly, let me say that all the things I'm making jokes over-age, religion, sexual orientation, etc- are just for fun. I'm not trying to offend anyone. I'm just playing around with this for laughs. Obviously, my story is like a threadbare shirt sand Swiss cheese slapped together-too many loose threads and full of holes. **

**For information: **

**A new chapter of "The Mistress and her Master" is up over at ~ NanMcCullen. Go read this folks! There's some really hot lemony stuff going on this week. It's fabulous and hopefully it's not too many reviews away from the first outtake. **

**Rosalee Lorraine finally updated Night Watcher!! Who is the mystery guy?**

**I'm going to plug a different type of story this week. Visitation by ~Radiofreeamy**

**Really innovative idea about Edward actually being a jailward after going nuts on Bella's attackers in Port Angeles. A really good story about the difficulties of love when your boyfriend is behind bars. Go review this!**

**Now to everyone who has reviewed, thank you so much for being so encouraging and for pointing out inconsistencies. All my love to NanMcCullen and Rosalie Lorraine who have been my best ass-kickers with this thing. I will respond to all reviews as long as you allow PMs. **

**A fond thank you for everyone from Chapter 5:**

Rosalee Lorraine, NanMccullen, TwilightChangedMyLife, chivolute, Kelly J, Kittikat505, 123appletree(thanks! But I haven't been able to PM you to reply), RaCullen, Famingo, oompaloompa6262, WA0520, RingTheBella, StarryEyedGlimmer, MCRshortstackedme, Aestheticvoyager, Foxnomore

**More recently, all the lovelies from reviewed Chapter 6:**

Rosalee Lorraine, NanMcCullen, But-The-War-Won, Ann T. Social, AmaterasuSpiritWolf, StarryEyedGlimmer, TeamEdwardLover, Aestheticvoyager, chivolute, twilight fashionista artiste, RingTheBella, sparklingdimondz, Snikkrz, RaCullen, MCRshortstackedme, MCRshortstackedme, Foxnomore, WA0520, ILuvTaylorLautnerXoxo, and You suck at Life (Yes, I appreciate constructive criticism).


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